A New Beginning

The time has come.  This Wednesday is the day to draw a line in the sand.  Lent is the time of sacrifice.  It is the time of giving of ourselves to others.  It is the time when you reflect on God's callings for you.

Are you willing to take up the cross, find your moral compass and stick to the plan once you commit?  Are you willing to fall on your sword and beg for the mercy only He can give?  Are you willing to put aside selfishness and old habits to form yourself into a better vision of who you can be for Christ?

There comes a time when God calls you to the front line and tells you "Look, you're messing all of this up and I am reaching My hand out to you.  Will you take it?"

Are you willing to let go of your pride and embrace modesty?  Can you move forward in hope to what He is calling you to be? Can you love with sacrificial love ***I NEED A LINK TOMORROW***?

This blog didn't begin by accident.  God had a plan in this.  He is calling you to one or more of these things during Lent.  Don't believe me?  How angry did one of these posts make you feel?  How much did you resist that information?

Confession moment:  I resisted writing ALL of them.  *I* didn't even want to hear what needed to be written.  I cringed at what your thoughts might be, at putting these thoughts out into the world and fearing the criticisms that would come.  I laid my heart out on a platter and prayed that you would hear what you needed to hear and find the strength to encourage yourself and each other. 

Let's face it, being a lady isn't for sissies - especially in this day and age.

I chose to let HIM lead.  I promise to always do so.

Are you up to the challenge as well?

The Last Banana

I grew up in what was at the time quietly called "a broken home".  My parents separated two days before I turned 9 and were divorced within a year.  It was a difficult time of my life.  Through no fault of my own or anything I had done I was forced to give up everything I had ever known and depended on.  My entire world was tilted upside down in a single decision I was not given permission to submit my opinion on.

In the days between Point A and Point B I remember being angry.  I remember endless disappointments as my world was torn to tatters by the aftermath of a choice I did not make.

My mother, always wise, was sitting with me one night at her office as I cried my eyes out because my father had forgotten to pick me up for visitation....again.  I remember looking in her eyes and telling her, "I hate him.  I'm sorry Mom, but I HATE HIM."

I don't know where she found the strength after all that had happened but she stopped me in my tracks and said, "No.  No, honey, you don't hate him.  You can hate what he is doing and you can hate the choices he makes and you do not have to like him right now, but you still have to love him.  He is your father and you have to love him, even though you may not like him."

I gave her that sideways glance young girls are prone to when they don't really believe you but have been left with no choice in the matter.  Somewhat along the lines of Natalie Woods in Miracle on 34th Street driving home from the Christmas party on the new route.

The immense joy experienced by her seeing the home never came, but that was definitely the look on my face.

Mom was right, I didn't have to like him, but I did have to love him.  Only by her resolve my father and I now have a good relationship because she didn't allow me to let hate fester.  It would be 10 years before I had the courage to tell him he'd hurt me by his choices and to this day I still can't tell him the truth depths of the pain caused by negligence.  I offer that pain up as a sacrifice and as an act of reparation for divorce when it comes.

Love is not always pretty.  Love hurts as much as it heals.  Love creates pain as often as it creates joy.  Love is bittersweet and two sided.  Love, true love, is when you are willing to give of yourself for the sake of others.  Those "little moments" when you want to be selfish but you suck it up and do it anyway.

Love is saying yes when you want to say no.  It is giving of self.  Love is having the courage to face off against all odds and say "Here I stand" - even when you don't want to be there.  Love is running to the bathroom to cry so you don't hurt someone's feelings by showing your tears.  Love is showing your tears when they need to be seen the most despite everything in you screaming not to cry.. 

Love is saying a very public goodbye to someone you love to the depths of your soul in the middle of an airport knowing you may never see them again.  Love is letting that person go and do the work of God wherever He chooses to send him, even if it is to a battlefield in the middle of a war.  Love is hugging the child you have with that man so close every day because he is the unbreakable link between the two of you. 

Love is standing in a hospital ward at the door of the ICU seeing him again for the first time on crutches and covered in bandages and knowing that no matter how hard you have to fight, no matter what this new world will bring, you will endure in that love every day for the rest of your life.  Love is watching him grimace through physical therapy and fight his way back to health and cheering him on despite your own exhaustion and fear.  Love is seeing his dreams realized and then be taken away because people don't understand.  Twice.

And even after that, love is still picking it up, day after day, and fighting for him and you and your children.  Love is knowing that God will help you find a way.  Love is helping him find his dream once more, one that you pray will not be stolen again while still putting your own dreams aside because sometimes there is only room for one set of dreams at a time.  Love is knowing "God's got this" and relying on that faith each and every day, no matter how scary it may get.

There is more than one way to offer up sacrificial love.  It doesn't have to be this grand image. Love is falling asleep in exhaustion after a parents vs. kids talk that lasted until 2 AM trying to teach them right from wrong and why it is right.  Love is staying up another hour while banging your head against the wall that the conversation even needed to happen....again. Love is the toddler running through the house chanting "BACON!" because he knows it's Dad's favorite.  Love is Dad putting aside his work to let the toddler and/or his brother "help". Love is an older brother giving his toddler sibling the last banana.

Love is so much more than we think.  We should see it in every action, every movement.  Love of Christ and His Sacrifice at Calvary but also love of each other, even His children who we do not know. 

Sacrifice

Make no mistake about it, being a lady takes sacrifice.  A lady is not obsessed with self but puts her focus on others.  Her focus, if she is a homemaker like me, is on her husband, children, and home.  If there is still room left her focus is her Faith.  If she is truly blessed she has time for even more in her life.

When is the last time you made a sacrifice, no matter how small for your husband?  What does that look like in your world? 

There is a movie from the 1990s called "Forget Paris".  Below is a clip from the movie that had significant impact on the shaping of how I would treat relationships and marriage.  Prior to this scene the two characters Mickey (Billy Crystal) and Ellen (Debra Winger) have an on again off again relationship that began when his father's remains were lost by the French airline where Ellen is employed.  This is the moment where they commit to remaining together.

"Nah, we've handled all the big issues.  The rest will work itself out."

How often do we forget about these little things, these little sacrifices that can mean so much to those we love?  How often do we brush it aside that he prefers this brand of mayonnaise (constant argument in the home I grew up in) or she likes him to write the item on the shopping list that he just emptied (preferably legibly - also a constant problem in the home where I grew up)? 

When someone commits the offense of not remembering our own preferences, how do we handle it?  Do we smile that little smile, shake our head, and shake it off?  Or do we turn it into WWIII?  If we turn it into WWIII was it worth it?

I have actually met people who got a divorce because she wouldn't put the car mirrors back where he liked them or he refused to help with the laundry.  I wish I were joking, but sadly I'm only keeping their names to protect the "innocent".

Is it worth throwing away all that history and love and life over toothpaste?!?!?!? 

When our eyes are on Christ the needs of our families are much easier to meet.  It is easier to give of the self when we aren't obsessed with hanging onto that self. 

Can you make that sacrifice of self today?  How?  In what little way can you make someone else's world light up a little bit?

A Tale of Two Ladies

Today I want to paint you a portrait of two ladies in my life.  Both are no longer in this world but both directly shaped who I am and how I choose to live my life.  Both were in their elder years when I was in my youth and they were actually within a few years of each other in age.  They were the same religion, went to the same church, were in the same clubs, and were very good friends.

The first lady can be best described as "merry".  She was a delight to all who met her, young and old, male and female.  There wasn't a person who didn't genuinely like her because you just couldn't help yourself!  She engaged actively in the corporal works of mercy in her spare time but also lived them with her own family and friends.  I don't think I ever heard her speak an ill word about anyone in the 20+ years I was blessed to know her.  She had that unmistakeable quality that someone has that tells you that person is someone you can trust and be comfortable with.  She never put on airs of superiority or other "ugly" behavior.  She was humble because she knew how to love deep in her soul and happiness exuded out of her.

The other lady was her best friend.  They'd known each other since they were young mothers sharing the same street.  The other lady had come from a troubled childhood of abuse and neglect.  She married a man who was also violent and raised two children with him.  She was very good at "putting on a show" when out and about but if you really listened you could hear the timbre of her voice that did not quite ring true.  Always ready with the latest gossip of who, what, when, and where she was a lively conversationalist.  Privately and sometimes even publicly she criticized those she loved in "socially acceptable ways" with a little laugh after her comments.  Her son's new wife was "very young but doesn't have a brain in her head".  His son was "a well behaved boy but never well dressed".  She often hurt those she knew without even realizing she was causing them pain causing many to distance themselves from her including her own children and grandchildren.

At the second lady's 81st birthday the first lady wrote her a beautiful poem and presented it to her framed wishing her another wonderful 81 years on this earth.  Sadly that was not to come true and less than a year later the first lady mourned the death of her dear friend deeply.

I think we can all give examples of both the first and second lady in our lives without blinking an eye.  In fact I contend that the vast majority of us see pieces of both of them in our own souls, not that we ever want to admit being like the latter.  It's easy to embrace the qualities of the first lady, but harder to acknowledge and confess that we are like the latter.

We cannot always follow the path that is easy.  Having known both of these ladies fairly well I truly believe in my heart that the second could have lived more like the first.  I don't believe there is such a thing as "too damaged" or "too far gone".  If that were the case why do we have Confessionals?  If we can never run too far from Christ then we are all capable of being the first lady when we make the conscious choice.

How can we minimize being the latter lady?  When forced to confront our own demons in ourselves as well as cope with the family member/friend who acts this way how can we bring that to create improvement in our own soul rather than allow it to tear apart our hearts and lead us towards sin?  How can we learn from this tale of two ladies and find ways to bring out the former in all of us while allowing the latter to sanctify us?

Some Cookies and a Visit

Some of my earliest memories are of my grandmother.  She was a delightful woman, full of life and vigor.  I spent nearly every weekend at my grandparent's home as a child and honestly they are some of my very best memories.

I would garden with my grandfather and "help" in his small motor shop.  I would bake and can in the kitchen with Grandma.  There was never a dull moment but lots of time for play.  If I could choose to how I will be a grandparent, I would want my grandchildren to see me as I saw them.

One thing I remember, nearly every Saturday, was Grandma making little boxes or plates or trays of homemade treats to deliver to the elderly and shut ins around her community.  Once she had them all together we would walk from house to house delivering one package at a time.  We always stopped to visit and talk.  Sometimes we would play card or board games and other times we would just sit and chat.  When the weather was too cold or wet we would take her car and drive from place to place, all across town until every person she knew had gotten a teeny bit of Grandma's "personal touch".  I never wondered why or begged not to go.  I loved these little journeys.

One of Grandma's favorite treats was apple pie.  Fortunately it was one of Papa's favorites too.  Unfortunately most of the pies left before Papa got any...much to his unending chagrin. ;)

As an adult I look back on those walks and see how much they had delighted those people.  Grandma is now in a long term care facility with severe dementia and suffering the effects of a major stroke.  No one goes to visit her or bring her treats other than my mother and I am too far to visit more than once a year or so.

Grandma was the epitome of class and charity.  Sure, she was the wife of a mechanic who also worked her whole life while raising two children.  She scrimped and saved and worked so hard so that my mother and uncle could have a good life.  I remember stories of her bringing others in for dinners when my mother was young who could not afford a meal despite them barely making ends meet.  She was the woman who taught her granddaughter how to do the polka in a living room instead of a ballroom.

She was not what "society" would have called a lady, but she was a lady where it counted.  She understood charity and faith better than almost anyone I have ever known.  She gave of herself, her time, and her talents with vigor and abandon.  I was never wise enough in my youth to tell her how much she taught me and I regret that.  I only hope that someday she will come to know how blessed I am to have her and her examples.

Charity begins at home.  It begins in our own home and our backyard and our immediate community.  Grandma knew that and understood it but she went beyond and lived it.  Who do you know that could use a little boost?  A little treat?  Who could benefit from the gift of your time and talents?  This is where true charity begins.  Not in escapades that lead to honors and gratification, but in the little moments that you choose to go beyond yourself and quietly care about someone else. 

What have you done quietly for Christ lately?  Where do you sit on the Corporal Works of Mercy?  Have you fed the hungry or given water to those who thirst?  Clothed the naked?  Have you helped to shelter the homeless or visited the sick?  What about those in prison and the dead?

Where in that list do you need to make improvements - not for your own glory, but for God's?

A Lady in 2014

We are beginning to see a rise of blogs, books, and other media to teach men how to be gentlemen.  I'm all about that.  In fact, I think it's a wonderful idea.

Unfortunately gentlemen want LADIES and our society appears to be significantly lacking in applicants for those positions.

In the interest of cutting to the chase, this blog is going to cover the things that I believe.  We're going to talk about advice to become a better lady, and a lady of tomorrow, not yesteryear.

Here's the bottom line:

1. Men will rise to the occasion when given the opportunity.
2. If you don't like how you are being treated, chances are you are giving subliminal cues that are causing that to happen.
3. Like it or not, being a lady does take hard work.
4. Like it or not, being a lady does NOT mean you are barefoot, pregnant, and in the kitchen.
5. Like it or not, being a lady does NOT mean that you can't be barefoot, pregnant, and in the kitchen.

I am fed up with modern culture's assessment of women.  A modern lady is not one of fluff - she is a woman of substance and thought.  She is not inferior nor does she believe others to be inferior.  Let's get some "starter criteria" right out there in the open.

1. A lady has faith.

You don't have to have MY faith, but if you have no moral compass there is nothing left to point you north.  When you have no north, your path to figuring out how to be a lady is going to be one fraught with destruction and insanity.

2. A lady has hope.

A lady is a woman who is capable of hope no matter what her circumstances in life.  She does not need to step on others to achieve her goals because she is capable of success without ruining others.  She does not need to be falsely built up by external praise.  She has hope for her family and those she loves.

3. A lady is charitable.

If the last time you volunteered was because someone decided you were "voluntold", you need to find a place to be charitable in your community and society.  If you do not have charity, you are not a lady.  If you cannot help bring criteria 1 and 2 to others in a charitable light, you have a very long way to go.


That's where it begins - Faith, Hope, Charity.

Let's pull it together for the sake of the world ladies.  The world needs gentlemen, but the world also needs ladies to encourage and love them.  Rise to the occasion.  Join me.